The senior director of development here has requested that one person from each MIS group work today, Memorial Day. For my group, he requested the person selected be someone with experience on two sides of the business -- and only two of us have the qualifications he needs. So I volunteered, knowing I'd get a comp day off in return (and it would be an easy day).

I brought Danny with me, and we're both wearing shorts. Thank goodness for that -- there's no air conditioning on in our building on the weekends, and it's been near 90 all weekend. It's already blistering hot -- my glasses keep steaming up -- but go figure, Danny said he's cold. He's wrapped in his blanket, drinking chocolate milk and watching Wallace & Gromit in "The Wrong Trousers."

I meant to bring freezer pops, but I forgot. Darn.

The guys who are here (maybe five or six others so far) are not used to the weekends so they're all pretty angry about the AC situation -- on top of having to work today. Two others so far have brought one of their kids, too. (The other kids are older than Danny so they're doing their big kid stuff.) I'm just hoping I can settle in and get some things done so it doesn't look like I've wasted my day.

Hope you are all enjoying your weekends, and take a moment or two to remember those lost in service of our country. I'm not always proud to be an American anymore, but I'm still grateful to our men and women in service.

From the lovely Almsie, the Interview Meme. If you'd like me to interview you (five questions), say so in the comments.

1. As a youngster, did you have a place as your personal sanctuary?
Yes. The house we lived in from the time I was about seven until 13 was amazing. It was an ultramodern place on four levels (including a finished basement). The kids' rooms were all on the ground floor, and the master bedroom was on the top. On the "kids'" floor was an extra room with a fireplace, and my parents hung a ton of bookshelves in there and put in our old brown velour sofa. There was a built-in butcher block desk at the far end of the room, under corner windows. That room was my haven. I taught myself to type on the old manual typewriter, and wrote stories. I curled up on the sofa with my dog to read. I loved that room.

The next house we lived in was a vintage place my parents rented for a year while they looked for a house to buy. My bedroom was great -- small but with windows on three sides. And on the main floor was a gorgeous, window-lined formal room. Nobody ever used it; it had two ivory sofas, a bunch of plants, and my mom's grand piano. I taught myself the Moonlight Sonata in that room.

The next house, where we lived until I finished high school, was a split-level built into a hillside. It was basically a ranch with delusions of grandeur -- a huge finished basement with a ton of rooms. I used to go down into the maid's room (once we no longer had a housekeeper) and do my singing there.

2. Have you ever been outside the US?
Yep. Twice (unless you count a trip to Toronto when I was little, but I don't remember it). When I was 19, my parents took us to Spain on our winter break from college. It was their last blast family vacation. We spent a week in Barcelona, where I attempted very little of my five years of Spanish but just soaked up the atmosphere; I loved the whole way of life there. The second week we spent touring up Costa Del Sol, which was really gorgeous. But I got very sick (my brother had brought some hideous flu home from Syracuse with him) so the end of the trip was a blur.

When I was 31, my company sent me to London for a week. It was amazing.

3. Have you ever been skinny-dipping?
Do jacuzzis count?

4. Is there a teacher from high school or college that you'd like to thank?
Ugh, college. I had horrible teachers in college. But in high school, Barbara Patterson was amazing. She was the drama teacher at my high school (home of John Malkovich and Gary Sinise), and just an absolute inspiration. My senior year was her last year there, and a scholarship was established in her name. I was awarded "her" scholarship when I graduated, which was a huge honor and meant the world to me.

5. Besides your immediate family, who has been the biggest influence on your life?
That's a really tough question. I'm probably going to have to say my late grandma Ruth. I've written about her before. She was an amazing woman. She had this incredible capacity for love and life, even though her life had been really hard. If Grandma is considered immediate family, I'm going to have to ponder this one....

Actual statement moaned by my eldest son 10 minutes ago:

"Mommy, you made Danny's pencil sharper than mine!!"

If we don't have to talk him down from a clock tower one day, it'll be a miracle. 

One more random thought... I haven't gotten e-mail (on the account I use most) since Friday afternoon. I don't know why. It's very strange. Not getting any e-mail is even worse than it used to be to get home and have "you've got messages" light blinking on the answering machine. I sent myself a test mail and got it right away. I haven't even gotten subscription stuff. I wonder if the Powers That Be have put a stranglehold on my account? Maybe I'd better clear out some mailbox litter and lower my folder sizes....

A not-ready-for-installatio n conversion process this week resulted in my being "asked" to work the weekend, supporting our stores. I'm the only person at this point who knows how to work both the old system and new system, and who understands the company's customer service policies. So, here I am. I brought Benjamunch with me, and he's mostly been pretty good; the one time he really started freaking out I realized he was overtired, so I put the stroller in the "sleep now" position, and covered the whole thing with a blanket. Five minutes of rocking the stroller with my foot, and I got peace for nearly two hours.

I've been running around like a crazy person and money is extremely tight right now, so it's shocking that the stress hasn't rendered me fetal. I can only attribute my tenacity to my new drugs, which have obviously kicked in. And just in time!

As happy as the new additions to my daily medicinal cocktail are, they haven't done much to help me better cope with my incredibly gifted but unbelievably talkative and curious eldest son. His combination of utter analytical brilliance but slightly stunted EQ drive me bonkers. The kid is so smart it often scares me, but can whine and cry like any two-year-old. He's also firmly ensconced in some elementary-school-playgro und brainmode of "I can top that," so he will often ask me a question and say snottily "I KNEW that!" when I respond. Since talkback appears to be my hot button, I am trying very hard to ignore it.

I am not doing well either with the whole PET thing of staying out of it when the kids fight. Sometimes I just know what is going on and fairly itch to right the wrong. I know I'm not supposed to, but here and there I have found myself telling one kid or another to just "leave your brother alone!"

And now young Master Benjamin has awakened, screaming for his wretched slave to attend to his wet diaper and angry gums.

So, you think you know me? If you don't know these things, you don't know me.

1. I'm terrified to the point of anger of spiders, insects, and reptiles.
2. I hate mustard. I will use it in cooking to some degree, but that's about it.
3. I love flowers, but the scent of stargazer lillies makes me sick.
4. Emerald is my birthstone, but I prefer diamonds. Sapphires and other blue stones come in second.
5. Chocolate and cheese are G-d's gift to women.
6. Blondes may have more fun, but I like my guys with dark hair. And green eyes. And who otherwise resemble DH.
7. I prefer silver and platinum over gold.
8. I never sleep through the night.
9. Coffee smells good but I hate the taste. A nice cold Coke is a preferred start to the day; since I'm not supposed to be drinking carbonated beverages anymore, a Chai works fine.
10. I've been engaged three times, but married just the once. I'm hoping to keep it that way.

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (AP) -- A 33-year-old man in northern Malaysia has married a 104-year-old woman, saying mutual respect and friendship had turned to love, a news report said Tuesday.

It was Muhamad Noor Che Musa's first marriage and his wife's 21st, according to The Star newspaper which cited a report in the Malay-language Harian Metro tabloid.

Muhamad, an ex-army serviceman said he found peace and a sense of belonging after meeting Wook Kundor, whom he said he initially sympathized with because she was childless, old and alone, the report said.

"I am not after her money, as she is poor," Muhamad reportedly said. "Before meeting Wook, I never stayed in one place for long."

He said he hoped to help his new bride to master Roman script while she taught him Islamic religious knowledge.

The report did not say if any of Wook's previous 20 husbands are still alive.

Malaysian Muslim men are allowed by their religion to take up to four wives at a time, but reports of women who marry more than once are rare. Muslim women do not practice polygamy.

Malaysia's 26 million population comprises about 60 percent Muslims, almost all ethnic Malays. Large ethnic Chinese and Indian minorities are Buddhists, Hindus or Christians.

... at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner. (Stolen blatantly from Daily Kos to ensure as many people as possible get to read it.)

STEPHEN COLBERT:  Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.

   Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped. 
   By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that's not true. That's cause you looked it up in a book.
    Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
    I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.
    In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
    I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
    Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
    Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
    So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback.
    I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
    OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
    I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
    Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
    And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.
    I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
    The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story:  the president's side, and the vice president's side.
    But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason:  they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
    But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!
    Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
    Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
    See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
    Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble:  don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.
    Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
    Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you?  [After each sentence, Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.
    John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
    Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
    Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
    And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
    Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir.
    I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.

NOTE BY FREDERICK [Daily Kos]: The "audition tape" I have transcribed below is available here. BEGINNING OF "AUDITION TAPE"
Colbert shows a video of a mock press conference. It opens with him at a podium, addressing the assembled Washington press corps.
COLBERT: I have a brief statement: the press is destroying America. OK, let's see who we've got here today.
COLBERT (acknowledging various reporters): Stretch! (David Gregory nods)
Sir Nerdlington! (reporter nods)
Sloppy Joe! (reporter nods)
Terry Lemon Moran Pie! (Terry Moran nods)
Oh, Doubting Thomas, always a pleasure. (Helen Thomas smiles)
And Suzanne Mal -- hello!!
(Suzanne Malveaux stares at Colbert, looking unhappy. Colbert mimics putting a phone to his ear and mouths "call me.")

REPORTER: Will the Vice President be available soon to answer all questions himself?

COLBERT: I've already addressed that question. You (pointing to another reporter).

REPORTER: Walter Cronkite, the noted CBS anchor, . . .

COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, no, he's the former CBS anchor. Katie Couric is the new anchor of the CBS Evening News. Well, well, how do you guys feel about that? You, tousle-haired guy in the back. Are you happy about Katie Couric taking over the CBS Evening News?

DAN RATHER: No, sir, Mr. Colbert. Are you?  (Laughter)

COLBERT: Boom! Oh, look, we woke David Gregory up. Question?

DAVID GREGORY: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?

COLBERT: I don't know. I'll ask him. (Colbert turns to Rove) Karl, pay attention please! (Rove is seen drawing a heart with "Karl + Stephen" written on it.)

GREGORY: Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003 when you were asked specifically about Karl, and Elliott Abrams, and Scooter Libby, and you said "I've gone to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me that they are not involved in this." Do you stand by that statement?

COLBERT: Nah, I was just kidding!

GREGORY: No, you're not finishing. You're not saying anything! You stood at that podium and said . . .

COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, that's where you're wrong. New podium! Just had it delivered today. Get your facts straight, David.

GREGORY: This is ridiculous. The notion that you're going to stand before us after having commented with that level of detail and tell the people watching this that somehow you've decided not to talk. You've got to . . .

(Colbert is seen looking at three buttons on the podium, labeled "EJECT," "GANNON" and "VOLUME." He selects the "VOLUME" button and turns it. We see Gregory's lips continue moving, but can't hear any sound coming out.)

COLBERT: If I can't hear you, I can't answer your question. I'm sorry! I have to move on. Terry.

TERRY MORAN: After the investigation began, after the criminal investigation was underway, you said . . . (Colbert presses a button on the podium and fast-forwards through most of Moran's question.)

MORAN (continuing): All of a sudden, you have respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation?

COLBERT (seen playing with rubber ball, which he is bouncing off attached paddle): No, I never had any respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation. Activist judges! Yes, Helen.

HELEN THOMAS: You're going to be sorry. (Laughter)

COLBERT (looking vastly amused, mockingly): What are you going to do, Helen, ask me for a recipe?

THOMAS: Your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands (Colbert's smile fades) of Americans and Iraqis, wounds of Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime.

COLBERT (interrupting): OK, hold on Helen, look . . .

THOMAS (continuing): Every reason given, publicly at least, has turned out not to be true. My question is why did you really want to go to war?

COLBERT (again interrupting): Helen, I'm going to stop you right there. (Thomas keeps talking.) That's enough! No! Sorry, Helen, I'm moving on. (Colbert tries to turn her volume off, but the knob falls off his controls.)

(Various reporters start shouting questions at Colbert.)

COLBERT (agitated): Guys, guys, please don't let Helen do this to what was a lovely day.
(Reporters keep shouting at him.)

COLBERT (putting his fingers over his ears and shouting in a high-pitched voice): Bllrrtt! No, no, no, no, no. I'm not listening to you! Look what you did, Helen! I hate you!

(Helen Thomas glowers at Colbert.)

COLBERT (frantic): I'm out of here! (Colbert pulls back the curtain behind him, desperately trying to flee. He says, "There is a wall here!" The press corps laughs. Colbert has difficulty finding a door from which to exit the room, echoing Bush's experience in China. He finally finds the door and hurries through it.)

COLBERT: It reeks in there! Ridiculous! I've never been so insulted in my life! Stupid job. (Colbert continues walking away. We hear sinister-sounding music playing. We see Helen Thomas walking behind Colbert.)

(Colbert looks behind him, sees Thomas, and starts running.)

(Colbert trips over a roller skate, and yells "Condi!" We see a close-up of Helen Thomas' face, looking determined and angry. Colbert, increasingly panicked, gets up and continues running, running into a parking garage. He reaches an emergency call box, and yells into it.)

COLBERT: Oh, thank God. Help me!

ATTENDANT: What seems to be the problem, sir?

COLBERT: She won't stop asking why we invaded Iraq!

ATTENDANT: Hey, why did we invade Iraq?

COLBERT: NO!!! (runs toward his car)

(We see Helen Thomas, still walking toward him.)

(Colbert reaches his car, and fumblingly attempts to open it with his key. He is in such a desperate hurry that he fumbles with the keys and drops them. When he picks them up, he looks back and Helen is even closer. In his frantic rush, Colbert just can't get the keys into the lock.)

(Just as his anxiety is getting completely out of control he suddenly remembers that he has a keyless remote -- so he just pushes the button on the keychain and the car unlocks immediately with the usual double squeak noise. Colbert jumps in and locks the door, and continues to fumble trying to get the car started. He finally succeeds, and looks up to see Helen standing in front of the car, notepad in hand.)

COLBERT: NO!!! NO!!!  (Colbert puts the car into reverse and drives off, tires squealing. Thomas smiles.)

(Colbert is shown taking the shuttle from Washington, D.C. to New York. A car and driver are waiting for him at Penn Station. The uniformed man standing alongside the car opens the door and lets Colbert in.)

COLBERT: What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home.

(The driver locks the doors, turns around, and says, "Buckle up, hon." IT'S HELEN THOMAS!!!)

COLBERT (horrified face pressed against car window): NO!!!

END OF "AUDITION TAPE"

STEPHEN COLBERT: Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it's been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!