I hate New Year's resolutions. Have you noticed how many commercials there are right now for various weight-loss and stop-smoking gimmicks and services? It's as blatant to me as Christmas sales. Blech. I figure if there's a time in your life you're ready to make a change, you can do it on your own damned schedule.

Anyway.... instead of resolutions, I'll look back on the past year with a selection of Things I Wish I'd Said (or Could Have Said), in no particular order:

1. "Do I look too skinny in this?"

2. "I don't know what we're going to do with all this room."

3. "Hey, you know something? You're a bitch and a small person and you're fucking up on purpose to ruin my job. But no matter what, I'm smarter and more professional than you are, and everything you do to sabotage me only makes you look worse. So take your reverse prejudice and shove it up your snotty ass.... and then get the fuck back to work."

4. "Hey, I can see!"

5. "I just love it when it gets cold."

6. "Do you think I'm weird for wanting to have sex this much?"

7. "I'm worried about the kids eating so many vegetables."

8. "We never satisfied our medical deductibles."

9. "I haven't taken my meds in weeks -- and I don't miss it!"

10. "Your child's life is ruined because her name's not in the school directory? How sad is your life?"

 Now that I've been snotty, here are my wishes for the New Year:

Jacob
For Jake, I wish boundless joy and fewer anxieties. You take things so hard, and get so wound up (can't imagine where that comes from... I mean, your mom is so laid back). I hope that you find safe outlets for your competitiveness, and at the same time don't lose your sense of wonder and imagination.

Danny
Oh, Dannyman. I worry about you, with your crazy lack of immunity (ahem, my fault) and all this special ed stuff we're getting into. But you're still such a cuddly puppy of a kid. For you, I wish blissful ignorance of the skills you have to work harder than other kids to develop, but pride and joy in those strengths you're already working to build. I hope you have a year free of night terrors and daytime struggles, and full of friends and fun.

Benjamin
Munchy, my little baby who refuses to stay a baby! We've turned your world inside out lately, what with Alberta being gone and all the craziness at home. I wish that you go back to sleeping blissfully through the night (okay, that might be a wish for me). I hope we find lots of great things for you to do and discover this year, so that you're not just the littlest kid tagging along behind the others. I wish for you new friends and more and more reasons to smile that giant, big-blue-eyed smile of yours. And I wish you never stop saying (or feeling) "I wuv YOU!"

DH
For my husband, who I can't believe still wants anything to do with me after a dozen years, I wish less stress and more fun. I hope that your work brings you satisfaction instead of frustration, and that I bring you more of the former and less of the latter, too.

My Friends
Wow, do I have some cool friends. I remember when I was a little girl, my father telling me that if I had enough friends to fill up the fingers on one hand, I'd be lucky. Two of the women I'm so proud to call my friends spend their working hours making others' lives better -- one has a business that makes women feel good, and the other a business that makes dogs (and their people) feel good. Both, I'm sure you'd agree, are very valid pursuits. I have friends I'm so impressed with -- talented writers, artists, advisers, and entrepreneurs -- and on top of all that, they're wonderful friends, sisters, mothers, daughters, wives and partners. I wish for them plenty of success this year in their pursuits, topped with lots of joy and love.

Finally, for me...
I hope that I keep in mind the pendant I now wear daily that is etched with "to be rich in love is to be rich in life." I am rich with the love and joy that my husband, children, family and friends bring to my life. But if I can wish for myself a few materialistic things, I'd say I hope that there is a little more financial confidence in my life. I'm really hoping this is our year to get our own home; I just want a little more space for each of us, and a little room to spread out. I'm looking forward to having friends over and hosting my sons' friends. To grilling in summers again. So that's what I wish for 2008 -- that next year at this time, I'll be writing whatever is going on from the comfort of our own home.

And for you, whoever you are, I wish you peace, joy and love this year.

Benjamin turned two yesterday. The nerve of that boy.

Our little baby is now a toddler (as DH likes to remind me whenever I call him "baby"), and he's just so incredibly cute and yummy and funny that I can almost overlook how much I miss just rocking him peacefully by the light of the TV. I don't miss that enough to have more kids, because, yikes, but that child is just so BUSY. The closest I get is holding him late at night when he wakes and begs for me. He knows to ask for a hug, and that I won't take him out of his room. He just wants the music back on and his kitty and his pacifier and his mommy for a hug. I rock him in my arms and sing a little with Curious George for maybe one song. Then he can go back to sleep. It's darling, though not great for my sleep.

On the oh-my-am-I-overwhelmed front, we seem to have gotten really lucky on the nanny situation. I hired the second person I interviewed -- a nursing student I found on Sittercity who's in the area until February on break from school. She's everything I was skeptical of having on hand -- cute, blond, young, fit and perky. But the girl likes to CLEAN!!!!! She was here on Friday, had both Benjamin and Jacob (who was home sick), and still managed to organize all of their toys and craft stuff as well as scrub the kitchen.

And then she told me that (a) Jacob was the easiest kid she's ever taken care of, and (b) Benjamin has the cutest nose she's ever seen. How could I not love that? I did ask her if she really felt she needed college and wasn't it a little overrated? But I think she's going back to school anyway.

Meanwhile, Alberta is convalescing at a hospital she says is even worse than Cook County, which is a terrifying prospect. I spoke with her this morning and she sounds much better, which is cool. The hip replacement worked out really well for her -- she's already been up on crutches and isn't in pain from it -- but the opposite knee is giving her trouble so they think she injured it in the original fall. So she still doesn't know when she'll be out of the hospital; and even when they do release her, it will likely be to an inpatient rehab center.  

Back at the ranch, DH and I are meeting with Danny's Intervention Team at school tomorrow afternoon. I'm totally loaded for bear. The first meeting was us with eight other people -- three teachers, a social worker, a psychologist, a speech therapist, the district special ed coordinator, the principal, and the janitor (just kidding on that last). The principal begged off to have another meeting, and the district OT never showed up.

By now, Danny should not only have had a full evaluation done by the OT, but should be on an in-school treatment plan... and to date, she's barely even met my kid. Not only are they out of compliance with state law, but they've pissed. Me. Off. Our private OT finally got a call from the DOT, and said the DOT didn't have Danny's file with her and knew nothing about him. The POT was distinctly unimpressed.

I wrote a letter to the principal and outlined my dismay; basically said that all of these great people at the school are working so hard to help my kid, but the primary need for special services has just been ignored. I told him I was so grateful for their care but perhaps their jobs would be easier if the fucking OT actually showed up to work with my son. Oh, and could she do us a favor and show the fuck up for our meeting tomorrow?

The principal wrote me back pretty quickly and gave me the "I'm on it" nod, so we'll see what happens tomorrow. Our private OT told me that I basically have to let go of my desire to be Nice Mom, and give in to my Bitch Mom persona. I hate to do it... but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

I have an employee who truly believes he has congenital bad luck. And he's had terrible things going on around him -- to the point where he's actually had friends who died. I was thinking about what to get him for Christmas and saw a small Buddha kit thing in Barnes & Noble that is supposed to bring you luck. I got him that and it's awaiting wrapping, but apparently it doesn't like being in my home.

Last week, Danny got sick. It turned out to be nothing more than a nasty virus, but for a few days there, I was quietly freaking out. In the middle of that, I got an email from his occupational therapist, confirming her suspicions that he has sensory integration disorder and needs to go on a "sensory diet." This requires something to do with body brushing; and no, I don't know much about it. I'm supposed to meet with her on Thursday to learn the routine.

So, okay, things are fairly normal... we're busy, the place is messy, so all is mostly as usual. Then yesterday morning I'm awakened by my cell phone -- our nanny's grandson calling. Alberta fell and couldn't get up <rimshot>. As it turned out, she broke her hip pretty badly, and compounded the fracture by crawling for help through the snow. She just came out of surgery within the past hour or so and they had to replace the whole hip joint.

I went to see her in the hospital today and she was pretty depressed. She hadn't eaten in a couple of days (they had her on an IV but wouldn't let her eat because she was awaiting a slot for surgery), so I'm sure that didn't help. I brought her the trashy gossip magazines I know she loves, comfy socks, a flowering plant, some almond cookies and ginger chews. I'm sure she's freaking out -- she's her family's only source of income, and now what? Her husband had thought she'd be able to work in two weeks; so obviously he's not aware of what lies ahead.

Meanwhile, we're rudderless. It really hit me hard today after running downtown to the hospital, then to a meeting at work, then to drop off contracts and run back home. Danny is whiny and acting like a caged animal; Benjamin can't get his hands on enough things to destroy, and Jacob is feeling left out and a little petulant. Neither DH nor I can really get any work done. 

I've posted jobs on Sittercity and Craigslist, and put the word out to the PTA that we're scrambling for child care. There are no openings anywhere near here or work for day care, so even if I wanted to do that, it's not an option. And how do you easily and quickly replace the person who basically did your momming for you for almost eight years? Everyone applying for this job is in her early 20s -- and cute. I don't need some cute little flat-tummied, perky-boobed chickadee coming in here and showing everyone how much cooler she is than big old flabby Mommy. On the other hand, looking at my schedule, I have absolutely no idea how I'm supposed to get anything done. I can't bring a two-year-old to the periodontist. I don't know who will meet Jacob at the bus while I'm at the OT with Danny. Benjamin won't go to sleep at night without spending some time screaming for me.

And it's not all just at home. I'm trying to manage two terms of students while setting up the next one and managing side projects for the department. I have to hold Orientation for my next term in January and I don't yet know who my students are or where we're doing half of it. The manuals need to be redone, the next curriculum needs to be laid out, and I have stacks and stacks of surveys to get into a database I haven't touched in months.

Oh, and I need to do the plan for 2008 advertising and marketing in my spare time.

It's really no wonder I hit the dregs of the Bailey's bottle tonight, but that's not going to do me much good. What I need is a good night's sleep.... and Mary Poppins.