I haven't blogged in, say, forever, but I've had really good excuses. Spring sports began so our weekends are consumed with balancing care of the kids plus four games and at least one practice, compounded by various other obligations to teams, friends and family. Work has been ridiculously busy as well, with new students on campus, a new curriculum to develop, new databases to create (whee.), and a few public speaking opportunities.

 Oh, yeah, and we moved.

We MOVED! Mostly. Poor DH is still shoveling various apartment detrius before our newly shortened lease ends on Thursday. And I'm useless to him because I'm in Madison, preparing to speak today to a user conference. In fact, I should be reviewing my presentation RIGHT NOW, but if I don't get this off my brain it may completely short-circuit this morning while I'm supposed to be talking about blended learning.

The conference officially starts this morning but since I was elected to be on our user group steering committee, I came in early to attend meetings with the other members through the day yesterday. The chair of our committee is this guy who has a ton of broadcast experience and a very strong personality. I haven't had a problem with anyone on the committee, and in fact the chairman had been quite funny and interesting in our monthly videoconferences, so I figured we'd all have a fine time.

Our main meeting yesterday was pleasant and productive, and we enjoyed a lunch on the software company during the day as well. Then last night, they had planned a special dinner event for us with the C-levels from the company. It was to be a murder mystery, held at a fancy bed & breakfast about 45 minutes from downtown Madison.

The company folks picked us up in this goofy limo coach thing that was jet black with sideways black pleather curvy benche, silver disco mirror tiles and disco flashing lights. Then Erica, the VP of marketing, got on the limo with two coolers stocked full of drinks, and I knew we'd all have a fine time. Having already had a drink at the hotel with a few of my cohorts, I chose water (don't want to get drunk the night before my speech!), and chatted happily with Erica and the guys sitting across from us. Sitting next to me was the chairman.

We were maybe five minutes into the ride when the chairman squeezed my knee and said "nice jeans." Uh, okay. Don't touch me. But you can't really say that to someone you just met and with whom you have to work, so I just shifted position a bit and turned back to Erica. A few minutes later, he squeezed my knee again. I measured his beer and decided he'd been drinking a bit more than the rest of us, and shifted again, crossing my opposite foot over my knee -- with the heel of my boot pointing at him like "don't touch me, or I'll impale you."

And then, he grabbed my boot and squeezed my foot. I was now officially getting creeped out. I mean, is it a Canadian thing? The guy says "aboot" instead of "about," so maybe that was it. There was another Canadian guy there and he didn't try to fondle my footwear, but then he was wearing earrings into the double digits and had a pretty major lisp, so possibly I wasn't his type.

I managed to subtly turn my back on Chairman Grabby while he was in conversation with the passenger on his other side, and shifted more towards Erica on my other side. The rest of the ride was uneventful, so I figured all was well.

And then we got off the limo coach at the B&B, a pretty Victorian with nice side gardens. Hors d'ouvres and champagne awaited us, and in light of Mr. Happy Hands, I decided to take a polite sip and set my glass down. Shortly after I did so, I was motioned aside and asked to discreetly slip downstairs.

There, in the modern basement, awaited the three actors brought in to run the murder mystery. The setup was that Chairman Guy was supposed to be moonlighting as a Chippendales dancer (eeww), and Erica had a gambling problem. Erica was blackmailing Chairman Guy with pictures of him dancing, with a threat to "expose" him unless he came up with $50k. A convoluted story involving a bookie and a hit man was laid out for us, and at the end, I was supposed to have killed Erica. Fun!

We were advised when to have fake, heated conversations/arguments and how to go along with the guy playing the detective. They also asked us for details on the rest of the guests, anything they could use to make fun of them, etc., and then we were sent back to the rest of the party.

Throughout the evening, the detective showed up and performed hysterically improved schtick. We were all in stitches. He pretended he had followed a hit man from Chicago, and killed him on the porch. Mr. Clean found several opportunities to come up to me and put his arm around my shoulder, but since everyone was mingling, I was able to make excuses to walk away. As the evening wore on, the "bookie" showed up, argued with Erica, sat in her seat to drink her wine, and then "died." Everyone was confused but having a grand old time. The detective was making fun of everyone, giving us all nicknames and keeping us in stitches. He named Chairman Guy "Mr. Clean" because he's bald as a ping-pong ball but wears a stupid soul patch and a leather jacket. [*cough* POSER *cough*]

Erica, Mr. Clean and I had been told to sit at separate tables, so I was able to keep my distance and enjoy the evening. I sat with the company CEO and two elementary school teachers from Memphis, and we all laughed and shared stories. Finally, my scene with Erica came... I was to follow her downstairs while the detective held a "lineup," and then come back up. Then Erica came upstairs with a prop knife embedded in her stomach, and played an elaborate and funny death scene where she gave away her Blackberry and camera to selected people, then pointed at the CTO and said "I never liked you, Rob" before collapsing on the floor. The detective did some more schtick and then we were instructed to sit at our tables and try to answer three questions about the murders that evening.

We "insiders" had not been instructed as to how to act during this part, so I played dumb and just asked questions at my table. But Mr. Clean kept coming over to me and whispering drunkenly, holding my shoulder. The first time he came to me, I pulled him aside and figured out that he didn't know how to handle the questions people were asking. I told him just to play along at this point and go back to his seat.

The second time he came by, I didn't get out of my seat, just tried to keep my body turned away from him. I could barely understand what he was saying or asking me -- it was clear he was pretty drunk. He was kind of handsy so I finally said loudly, "Mr. Clean, I AM a happily married woman, but thanks anyway," and picked up my water. The CEO cracked up. But the guys at my table noticed that Mr. Clean was a little grabby teased a little about his crush. Eww.

The third time he came by, I was getting visibly frustrated and mouthed "HELP!" at the CEO. He made a joking comment to Mr. Clean about his obvious crush on me. "It's not me," I said. "He's got a thing for my jeans."

Mr. Clean admitted it and said "and your feet. I have a foot fetish, you know."

EWWWWWW!!!! STOP IT!!!

Not wanting to make a scene, I excused myself and went to talk importantly about nothing to Erica, now back upstairs recovered from her murder and enjoying coffee at her table. Finally, the detective came back and I got to have my little scene with him admitting to how and why I killed Erica. Ta da!!!! The table with the most correct answers all received copies of a murder mystery DVD, and our table won fake nose glasses because we had the funniest answers. Everyone had their coffee (at their tables, thank goodness) and we all boarded the limo coach again.

This time, I made sure to sit with someone else between me and Mr. Clean. Halfway through the trip, the nice programmer on my right poked me. I turned from my conversation and and he said "Sorry, Mr. Clean made me do it."

"Yes?" I said.

"I just wanted him to poke you for me."

(Insert a Patty & Selma shudder here.)

"Uh, okay," I said.

Thank goodness, nobody proposed we have a drink after the limo coach brought us back to our hotel. I came up with an excuse to stop at the front desk so I could avoid a crowded elevator. I wanted to call DH but knowing he'd had a rough day, I decided to just wash off my makeup and go to bed.

The thing that's weird is that it should be flattering to have a stranger flirting with me. But sometimes flirting can be fun and not creepy. It's like the guys I work with -- two of them can tell me a dirty joke and I think it's funny. But two of them tell dirty jokes and I want to wash all the slime off.

This morning, I'm supposed to have my headshot and a video testimonial taken. Then we have the presentation by the CEO, then a break, and then my presentation. Luckily, Mr. Clean and I represent two different tracks here and we're speaking at the same time, so he won't even be in the room. Besides, he should be sober, which should cut down on the creep factor.

But I still kinda wish DH were here to ward off the sliminess. I can't imagine he'd take kindly to Mr. Poser Clean groping his property. Yuck.

Okay, time to put on the contacts and makeup. Hopefully I will still have time to review my speech.... eeek.