Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2009 October
2008 November
2008 October
2008 July
2008 June
2008 May
2008 April
2008 March
2008 February
2008 January
2007 December
2007 November
2007 October
2007 September
2007 August
2007 July
2007 June
2007 May
2007 April
2007 March
2007 February
2007 January
2006 December
2006 November
2006 October
2006 September
2006 August
2006 July
2006 June
2006 May
2006 April
2006 March
2006 February
2006 January
2005 December
2005 November
2005 October
2005 September
2005 August
2005 July
2005 June
2005 May
2005 April
2005 March
2005 February
2005 January
2004 December
2004 November
2004 October
2004 September
2004 August
2004 July
2004 June
2004 April
2004 March
2004 January
2003 December
My Links
yirmlog
One Good Thing
Orange Tangerine
Mimi Smartypants
Jennifer Weiner's Blog (Author of In Her Shoes & Good In Bed)
Almsthvn's Blog
Aliciarose's Blog
Puplife's DogBlog
Gaper's Block: Chicago Blog
ChicagoBlogs Web Ring
What She Said!
Veiled Conceit
Blogs By Women
Radio show captained by Mike Keneally and Rich Pike.
Katy's Skary Kids
Ask Liz Ryan Community
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
| not the obligatory thanksgiving post |
| 11.27.08 (9:05 pm) [edit] |
It's time for the obligatory post about things for which I'm thankful, but I'm feeling sad and somewhat petulant today, so I might as well blow that off for a more positive day.
I dreamed about my ex-fiance last night. T was my "college sweetheart," if anyone my age was allowed to have that, and we lived together for a year after I graduated, until we broke up on Mother's Day when I was 23. It's possible that we might not have broken up completely, but when T told me he "couldn't do this anymore" -- referring to dealing with my poorly managed depression -- I figured that was pretty much all there was to it and assembled my stuff to move out. It was so hard, and so hurtful, to be with someone who didn't understand that my depression was out of my hands, that it didn't make sense to me to fight for whatever it was that we had. And who knows, maybe I was relieved... but it didn't feel that way at the time.
So anyway, my dream. As usual with my dreams, it was all over the place, but what I remember most was that my kids and life with DH never happened in this one. Instead, I was maybe in my late 20s and somehow met up with T at some event. Dunno, maybe a reunion or something. We basically got back together at whatever this was, shared some passion, and were trying to figure out how we were going to coordinate our jobs, lives and, apparently, going back to school. I have a vague idea that I was going to stop whatever job I had to go to school wherever T was, and there was some discussion of the University of Michigan (don't ask me why). It got weirder and there is some remaining image in my mind of T standing near the top of a building, threatening to jump.
I woke up discombobulated and cranky, and feeling like I'd somehow cheated on DH. Which is silly, because you certainly can't control what you dream about. I didn't know where T came from, until I thought about it some and put it together with my lingering depression. T couldn't deal with something I couldn't change about myself -- only work at trying to control it. When we were together, my depression was still not well managed and he was with me during the horrible experiments with early meds (including Lithium), so frankly I can't blame him much.
Probably all of this was dredged up because of beacoup work stress and a very difficult conversation with DH last week about my weight. It's too hard to really write about because, well, it's just so personal and humiliating and awful. It's safe to say, though, that he has strong feelings about this other elephant in the room, this other hurdle I have yet to overcome. It just figures that I find a partner in life who "gets" the depression, but G-d didn't limit me to just that one flaw, so why not have something else that can annoy other people?
And now I'm forced to go around from day to day, holding back constant tears while I try to box up my sadness and hurt. DH says he loves me, and part of me believes him. But try to live with someone who doesn't find you attractive... and see if you believe that they really love you. It's not his fault. But I can't even look at him the same way. I go back and forth between functioning and feeling paralyzed by pain.
Once again, I'm being rejected because of something that's wrong with me. Something I hate about myself, that I want to hide but can't. Something else I pretend doesn't make me different, or less of a person, than anybody else. Something that brands me as weak, lazy, stupid, broken, wrong. Just wrong.
And I'm exposed, completely ripped open. Because of anything I eat. Or anything I don't. Because of activity, or lack thereof. I feel like every person, every window, every mirror, sees me and into me and judges me and finds me lacking.
This is all very dramatic and probably silly, but I can't make it go away. I can't keep from crying, from losing where I am on the page when I'm reading, from looking only at parts of myself at a time and feeling disgust.
|
| 5 Comments |
