1. Pfizer: Viagra Doesn't Cause Blindness
Nope, just tunnel vision. The guys can see, but they only have eyes for one thing....

2. Abdul Urges Tough Nail Salon Standards
Thank G-d Paula Abdul is speaking up! Finally, pampered princesses with nail fungus have a voice!

3. Boy, 16, Critical After Fla. Shark Attack
"What's up with the fucking sharks," he glowered. "I'm just out there doing my own thing, and the shark attacks me! These damned sharks need to be taught some manners! And while I'm at it, this hospital food sucks ass, and I'm not getting nearly enough painkillers."

4. Breast-Feeding Is Urged for Preemies
Geez, the poor babies often can't breathe on their own, and now they have to figure out breastfeeding? Can they even lactate yet?

["Don't Dance," Erasure]