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| random thoughts for a sunday at work |
| 05.21.06 (3:22 pm) [edit] |
Today is Day Seven in a row of being at my office. The sun is shining outside and the baby is asleep on a blanket near my feet. I'm at one of those points where my eyes are just constantly tearing (exhaustion or allergies? you decide!) and nothing I look at makes sense. I'm nauseous and looking forward to a break. Despite my upbeat feeling yesterday, my patience for all things homelife is thin. Danny is in a very headstrong mode; he's pissed at me for going to work on a weekend without him (but at least verbalizes it). Everything I ask/tell him to do makes him do the opposite. I realized that bringing him today was akin to putting a baby into a Volkswagen full of pit bulls, so DH "lucked out" by getting to take both older boys to the park for the afternoon. I can only hope they don't eat him alive. Our apartment is an unholy mess, but I have not one whit of energy to even attempt to do anything about it other than kick random dusty objects out of my way in frustration. I'd like to come home one day to a place worthy of Martha Stewart (or even just real human beings) but that's not going to happen unless I do it. Since I feel virtuous when I just load the dishwasher, I don't see cleaning in my near future. I think my plan is going to be designing small projects for the nanny to do while I'm at work... ie, pull out all the clothes too small for Jake & Danny and put them into big Rubbermaid containers. Yesterday Jake apparently had a meltdown after baseball because they did team pictures, and all the kids got lined up to take their individual player photos. However, since they had not provided any advance information or warning about pricing, we had not the scratch to pay for the player photo. So Jake got to watch every other (present) kid on the team get his or her photo taken, and then be told to walk away. According to DH, Jake had a complete, old-fashioned meltdown. I don't know what else we could have done. DH did ask for a form to bring home. Last night while I made the baby's "You know, only half the teams had their pictures taken today," I said. "The other half has to be rescheduled since last weeks' games were rained out. Maybe I could get permission for Jake to take his picture when the retakes are done?" DH called it a fine idea, and Jacob eventually realized he would at some point get what he wanted. He was still PO'd, though. And it threw me into a funk. Sometimes I imagine being the kind of people who always have spare money. When an extra $25 or $50 expense won't throw us into a shame spiral of ugly envelopes from the bank. When I'll start my car and not hear the gears grinding as it attempts to get past 2nd -- and when fitting all three kids in it won't require contortionism and scraped hands. Imagine, someday, taking a vacation with my husband. Having a house, with a yard and a playroom. Not cancelling doctor's appointments because I can't afford the copay or don't want to add to an existing bill. This probably sounds much worse than it is; I know people in far more dire straits than we. But the day-to-day of "how are we going to pay for...," just takes over. It does horrible things to us; kills peaceful sleep, picks fights, endlessly rearranges priorities. It means I'm still wearing maternity clothes when my baby is five months old, and DH wears pants until they literally fall apart. I just want to stop worrying. |
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.21.06 (11:30 am)
Vacation. Concept foreign to me.
posted by: JT (reply)
post date: 05.21.06 (11:43 am)
Reply to: scubadiva
Thank G-d I'm not the only one. I bet you could use a getaway, too! But who would take care of the felines?
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.21.06 (11:45 am)
The mom or some "real" friends unlike those that backstab.
posted by: almsthvn (reply)
post date: 05.21.06 (5:57 pm)
*hugs and chocolate for JT*
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