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| forgive and forget |
| 05.31.06 (8:12 am) [edit] |
Turn the other cheek. That's not an easy one for me. My blood pressure goes through the roof if I even think I might be in trouble. My defenses go on overdrive. I despise confrontation, and will internalize and slow-burn until an eruption of tears or screaming is inevitable. I've always been this way, and don't really know how to change.Yesterday, I got a talking-to at work for (1) bringing my son to work on Memorial day -- when there were a grand total of five people here (two of whom also brought their kids), and (2) not being perceived as having worked hard enough while I was here. I had to bring in my marked-up test plan and defend myself, which mostly amounted to me saying "it won't happen again." The problem is, even if you're not wrong, you can't be right -- because the boss, like the customer -- is always right. Our CEO likes to post "the customer is always right," in employee-only areas of our stores. My correllary to that when in customer service was "but the store isn't always wrong." I spent my drive to work talking to myself, trying to biofeedback my own body, but I was still mad. And then I got an e-mail from my boss asking why I hadn't addressed a few open issues on Monday -- issues that weren't properly fixed yesterday and supposedly contributed to a software release being held back for an extra day. Oh -- and by the way, the decision to hold back the release was made *before* we discovered new problems related to my issues. I responded by letting my boss know I did look at the issues first thing Monday (did she not see my comments logged?), but (a) had a hard time understanding them as they were written, and (b) was under the impression that the test plan was a priority. I sent that and then wrote a to-be-deleted e-mail saying that it really frustrated me to be blamed for the release not going through... but then got her e-mail back saying "gotcha, will make sure priorities are clear next time." So I double-deleted my defensive message and now I'm trying to talk myself down from the ledge again. After work yesterday, I raced through the grocery store with an eye on the tab, only to wait in line for 20 minutes at the registers.... and for one of the mentally challenged baggers to plop the large watermelon down on a pizza. (The same gal last week forgot to put a bag of groceries in my cart, necessitating my run back to the store and keeping the nanny past a reasonable hour so I could get the baby's formula.) I gritted my teeth and suggested that she hand me the groceries and I'd help her by putting them in the cart. But I was annoyed. I'd just gotten the baby down for the second or third time last night and settled in with a book, when I remembered Jacob's school newsletter had to be e-mailed to the printer before this morning. So I shlepped open my computer and slaved over the newsletter, until my connection to my work e-mail died and I couldn't retrieve a few vital names and photos. Since I'd been falling asleep over the screen anyway, I blew off my nighttime meds and passed out... only to be awakened by DH in the throes of a meltdown. The place was a mess, he couldn't find things, etc. Granted, the place was a HUGE mess, but I had no ability or intention of dealing with it at 11:30 at night. A nasty, semi-annual screaming fight took place, followed by falling asleep in silence. There was a grudging, embarrassed apology at some point. It took the edge off, but I stayed shaking mad, my endorphins riled by the second half of a frustrating day where I had little control over how poorly I'd been judged or treated. I had to rush through finishing the newsletter and raced out the door this morning, realizing in the car that I'd forgotten both my allergy meds for the day. Now I'm itchy, exhausted, depressed, and weepy-eyed, but have a long day of frustrating tests ahead of me that I really don't feel like doing. I guess this is just yet another thing I need to learn how to do -- recover. I'm not good at that, either. I feel like I need a good cry -- but I'd like to wait to get that over with in private. Could someone tell that to my brain and my eyes? Thanks. |
posted by: almsthvn (reply)
post date: 05.31.06 (6:31 am)
You need chocolate and you need it, stat!!
I'm way outside the picture, I realize that, but it seems that your workplace is ... how to put it gracefully... an unhealthy place to be. I don't think there's anything more frustrating than doing what you're told and being chastised for it. Then to be treated as if it's your fault for not understanding what you were told. That's crazy-making behavior.
So... how can JT have more control of her life? You probably already have, so forgive any dumb suggestions, but having an updated resume can help. Mine is out of date and it stresses me to know that if I need it, it isn't ready. So maybe we could both update our resumes :)
With that peace of mind, surfing a few online pages for other opportunities might feel better.
If it helps you at all, you're not alone. Three of my best friends have 3 kids each. Their lives are at an exponentially more frantic pace and I have nothing but respect for anyone who's in there slugging away.
You and DH are great parents, giving your kids some great experiences and doing your best. You deserve ginormous hugs!!!
posted by: JT (reply)
post date: 05.31.06 (6:41 am)
Reply to: almsthvn
I'm ALLLL over it, sistah. Did you know Dove now makes a version of their little "Promises" with caramel in them? HEAVEN.
I'm all over the other thing, too. I had been feeling very conflicted about it, but not so much anymore.
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 05.31.06 (8:25 am)
{{hugs}} Today will be a better day! (I hope...If not, tomorrow... ;-))
posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 05.31.06 (2:21 pm)
I think you must work for the same company I do! ;) Ugh. I hate corporate culture these days but I need that darn paycheck. darnit!
I gotta tell you though, when things get like that for me at work, I use up one of my sick days and hide out for a while. Just spending a few hours alone and resting usually does the trick.
posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 06.01.06 (12:40 pm)
You have a very busy life, it appears. It seems no one can truly excel with all that you must do. Don't be too hard on the kid who sacks the groceries- she could be your boss one day!
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 06.02.06 (7:27 am)
Bosses suck. Esp when they were out BBQ'ing while you were sweating your posterior off at the office. Slavedrivers. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Hugs
posted by: Orange (reply)
post date: 06.04.06 (5:11 am)
I don't mind confrontation generally, but boy, that sounds like a rough day. The whole boss thing, the stress of the newsletter, the fighting—oy.
I hope you'll think about letting the school/Jake's class find someone else to write the newsletter. Having to read a less talented writer's version of the newsletter would be a small price to pay—your life's just a tad hectic for picking up extra volunteer jobs. You're allowed to Just Say No until Benjamin's potty-trained and off to preschool (or for years beyond).
