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| it's not you; it's me |
| 11.05.06 (9:23 pm) [edit] |
It's not that I don't miss you. I do. I miss reading about all your trevails, and cheering your ups and comforting your downs. I've barely kept up with anyone's blog since I left the icky job, and I haven't commented much on those I have read. I'm sorry to have lost touch so much and it's not that I don't want to read and see what everyone's up to. In fact, I feel oddly disconnected, and it's only partly the depression that's to blame. I've used the Internet to connect to people since before I met my husband; a place to be friendly and social even when I can't leave the house, or just can't do it at a normal hour. (The 90'-era midnight shift cashiers at my old Jewel knew me well.) I'm just so damned busy, and it's mostly good-busy but I'm finding myself craving solitude, and then when I'm alone, wishing I weren't. I'm working way more hours a week than I'd intended, for one thing, but I'm loving my work, so I'm not as bitter about it (but still guilty in that working-mom way). I do feel bad about the fact that I'd rather be doing work than, say, leaving early and spending more time keeping Jake and Danny from disemboweling each other. But it's not just tunnel vision keeping me there; there's just a lot to do, and many more late-afternoon meetings that we hadn't had when I started. On the other hand, the job is demanding as hell, but rewarding -- as well as flexible in a way I haven't had for nearly 10 years. For example, I come in late on Tuesdays and Thursdays and nobody cares. I've been helping to teach 3-5th graders introductory Spanish at Jake's school. (Parents who volunteer to help run the language classes then don't have to pay for their child to take them, so I'm saving us $250 in Jake's language class fee.) It's a pain in the ass, but not as much as it would have been if my boss gave a shit where I was. The days I'm not shlepping to school, I take the 5:25 shuttle bus downtown. Yep, 5:25 am. It's insane, but it no longer bothers me that much to get up at 4:30. For one thing, I don't have as much competition in the building for hot water at that hour, so taking a shower is easier. And it's an easy, nearly-empty ride downtown, and I'm at work at 6 am, so it's peaceful for a good hour or more. I get a lot done in that time. The downside of getting up at 4:30 am is that I'm trashed by 6 pm. (No, not drunk.) I cannot wait until the kids fall asleep so I can collapse. Lately, I've gotten in the habit of spending an hour or so doing work (or my online studies) and then collapsing, so I'm not getting as much sleep as I should anyway. At least I'm not using sleeping pills every night to fall asleep -- I don't have the hours to devote to it, so I'm relying on exhaustion and my Zyrtec to knock me out. I sleep poorly as usual, but I'm not drugged. (Side note: I did try a different sleeping pill through my doc, and it's a good one: Sonesta. Doesn't do a damned thing for the mid-range insomnia, but if your only problem is a complete inability to fall asleep, this is your drug. It's got a very short half-life (like two hours), so I never woke up in that sleeping pill haze. I only had samples but I will be asking for more when I see my doc.) Sorry, enough about me. What I started out saying is that I do miss my blogger friends, and I know there will come a time when I can be more in touch with all of you again. So don't give up on me, okay? I may not be commenting, but I'm still here. |
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 11.06.06 (11:19 am)
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