We're broke. Flat broke. This makes me crazy. I hate panicking about groceries and bills and daily life. I'm so tired of watching my age advance but my pockets stay empty. Not only could we use groceries, but Jacob's birthday party is this weekend (15 kids at Chuck E. Cheese, G-d help me) and I have to go on a business trip on Monday. For a week. With $3 in my wallet. Casting about for a way to improve our immediate situation, I pulled out the robins-egg blue card in my wallet.

When Benjamin was born, my well-intentioned, much wealthier cousin sent me a sterling silver baby spoon as a gift. Since that's simply not our lifestyle and I figured we could use the money, my mom and I went to Tiffany's with baby in tow so I could return the gift. They gave me a merchandise credit; they don't do actual refunds. Wealthy people don't use cash, ya know. I walked around the store to view the small handful of things that I could buy with $100 plus tax, but they (a) really aren't my style, and (b) seemed so wasteful. You're talking to a gal who really loves diamonds, but has no problem with cubic zirconia. So I just can't see wasting the money.

So I kept the merch credit. I figured maybe our fortunes would increase and I'd use it for something, or find someone else who'd buy it off of me. Well, the former sure as heck hasn't happened, and the latter is a joke. Who the heck has reason to shop at Tiffany's -- at least, who the heck do I know? I posted to Craigslist -- twice -- offering up the card along with the receipt verifying the amount. I said I'd love to trade it for equal (or at least close to equal) value in something more my speed (ie Target or something), or cash. The best offer I got was $50.

Why would I give up $110 worth of credit for $50 cash? Am I that desperate? Frankly, yes, but not enough to do it. I'm too outraged by how useless this is. So today, I called Tiffany. I explained the situation -- lovely gift, not my style, really could use the money, no chance of being a Tiffany Lady Who Lunches anytime soon -- to no avail. The robot on the phone just intoned the company's policy.

"I worked for [Big Machine] for five years," I said. "They would allow someone to return merchandise credit for a check refund, at least. They understood extenuating circumstances. Isn't there any chance Tiffany would do the same?"

Nope. Not at all.

"You don't understand. It makes me crazy that I'm carrying around this useless plastic card that to most people is worth what I could spend on groceries for my whole family for over a week."

So sorry. No dice. We don't care.

"So there is nobody at Tiffany who can overrule this policy. No way to make an exception."

Nope. We don't do that. We're rich. You suck. I'm bored with this conversation. I want to go count my cashmeres.

"You know, if I ever did get the opportunity to be a regular customer of Tiffany's, this is exactly the reason I'd go somewhere else. I can't believe the company wouldn't rather make a potential customer happy even if it means making an occasional exception. You're saying Tiffany's would rather risk the bad PR of this than bend a rule."

Yep, pretty much. Sucks to be you. Poor people smell funny.

"Well, I'm extremely disappointed. I hope you'll please tell the powers that be that this is a really unfriendly way to treat people. It's practically discriminatory. [Okay, I even realize as I'm saying this how stupid and wrong it is, but can't stop myself.] If people can't afford to shop there, they shouldn't be allowed to get gifts from Tiffany."

Really sorry you feel that way, really. Oh, wait. No, I'm not. Can I help you with anything else?

"Why start now?"

Have a nice day. *click*

Hey, Valentine's Day is coming up. Anyone want to buy their sweetie some overpriced jewelry with my credit? I'll let you buy me baby food in trade!