I don't want to count the number of posts I've written that start with "boy do I suck because I haven't been writing." But, boy do I suck because I haven't been writing. I probably suck because of other things too, but I'm probably being dramatic because I just finished reading King Dork (finally) so I have nerdisms stuck in my head.

I've been busy for so long that I can't remember when I was last "good" about writing, but I suspect it was before I left my job at The Bad Place (which really wasn't The Bad Place so much as A Fairly-Decent Place With A Shitty Boss). What is it about being unhappy that promotes creativity? I don't know. And the thing is, I don't know if I'm truly happy per se, but I am sure I'm less unhappy than I was. If that makes sense. See, I might suck about making sense, too.

Lots of things have changed over the past year, though some have not. I'm still chubby (though a bit less so since the baby weight is pretty much gone), still sleep poorly, still have no patience or sex drive (are those two things related)? and I'm still hopelessly insecure. Maybe DH thinks I'm being cutesy when I ask "still love me?" but probably I'm just actually making sure he does.

So, things that did change... well, I started this new job (when is it no longer "new?") a year ago July, and for the most part I really like it. I have a lot more autonomy, which is to say I actually have some. A month ago, I got to move into my very own, unshared office, which while boxy, small and institutional, is ALL MINE baby, and boy is that awesome. (I even had a little tiny fridge in here for a while, but the department assistant appropriated it. Bummer. I liked having cold water and stuff right there next to me.)

Work is still work, even when you like it. Did anyone ever tell you that? I get frustrated and tired and freaked out, but things are generally going well, which is a big fat relief. I had to start a brand new program here, so that we can deliver our postgrad education online, and that was a rough startup. But my first blended class just graduated (blended meaning that they take the didactic stuff online and then come here for hands-on stuff), and they were pretty happy with how everything turned out. Test scores came out fine, so we can say that we didn't graduate a bunch of unqualified idiots.

And just because we're doing this online, doesn't mean it's easy. Actually, it was probably an easier program when it was a traditional one. And it's sure not always easy for me. I spend a lot of time repeating instructions to students over email and instant messenger -- stuff I've taught, written out, and elucidated a million times over the past year. People still suck at following directions -- even when they're really smart and go to a fancy-schmancy university.

Among other changes, DH completed his contract with Big Company in July of this year, so for the first time I can remember, he's home pretty much every night. He got a contract with my department so he's creating our IT infrastructure, which is cool because I don't really trust anybody else to do it; he really spoils me with how he does things. They just seem to make sense, when he sets things up. It might be considered odd that we're spouses in the same department, but we don't report to each other so there's no weirdness about who's in charge or doing what. (Besides, I've decided my secret to a happy relationship is that each person lets the other one believe that they (and not you) are always in charge and make all the decisions.)

It's fun to seem him kind of chewing on all these ways to do things, and hopefully he's enjoying it. I also hope he's enjoying being at home (though it's no picnic to be home with three boys in a messy apartment). I think the boys are enjoying the adjustment from "is Daddy working late again tonight?" to "Daddy, can we play chess before bed?" Heaven knows it's a relief to me, too -- I'm not alone at night! Woo hoo! No more freakish, childish panics about sleeping across from the front door (not a fan of this bedroom placement), no more being the only one to hustle all three kids through the nighttime routines almost every night. And, how about this one -- sometimes, I get to go do things at night during the week!

I went to my first PTA meeting a few weeks ago, and it was so funny to meet all of these women (let's face it, few dads show up for the inevitable gabfests) who all knew my name but had never met me. I have done the school newsletter for going on three years now, so my name and email address are out there, but I have been experienced at flying into the schoolroom for the odd holiday party or birthday celebration and flying back to work. Now, I can even be a room parent!

The whole world has opened up for me, and I feel so much less pressure knowing that I'm now one of two parents at home at night. Of course, I may have transferred my pressure onto DH, who, instead of working freakish hours at an office downtown, spends too many late hours researching stuff about networks and possibly worrying that he's not making scads of money. I think it's worth it, though -- the money from this last contract was great, and because of him we made huge headway against our debt, but MAN did his schedule suck ass. And more consulting is likely forthcoming (G-d willing and the creek don't rise, as my old drama coach used to say), so I think we'll likely be okay.

Wow, I meant to just check in and here I am, mind-dumping all over the blog again. I guess I'll go into kid changes later (provided I behave about restarting this writing habit), but they include Jacob going into 2nd grade (holy shit!), Danny starting kindergarten, and Benjamin being a totally funny, hammy, destructive little force of nature. Oh, and new meds for sleeping (woo hoo!).

I'm going to write this down, so I can be guilty about it if I don't continue. I will now begin again to:

1. Write regularly in my blog, if only to provide therapy for my addled brain;

2. Go to the gym and sweat myself into submission at least twice a week, even if the skinny, cute girls always flank my treadmill (what is that about? "Let's make the chubby girl feel even more insecure!!").

Um, that's it. I think restarting two fairly healthy habits is all I can take for now. Let's see how this works out.