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| not the obligatory thanksgiving post |
| 11.27.08 (9:05 pm) [edit] |
It's time for the obligatory post about things for which I'm thankful, but I'm feeling sad and somewhat petulant today, so I might as well blow that off for a more positive day.
I dreamed about my ex-fiance last night. T was my "college sweetheart," if anyone my age was allowed to have that, and we lived together for a year after I graduated, until we broke up on Mother's Day when I was 23. It's possible that we might not have broken up completely, but when T told me he "couldn't do this anymore" -- referring to dealing with my poorly managed depression -- I figured that was pretty much all there was to it and assembled my stuff to move out. It was so hard, and so hurtful, to be with someone who didn't understand that my depression was out of my hands, that it didn't make sense to me to fight for whatever it was that we had. And who knows, maybe I was relieved... but it didn't feel that way at the time.
So anyway, my dream. As usual with my dreams, it was all over the place, but what I remember most was that my kids and life with DH never happened in this one. Instead, I was maybe in my late 20s and somehow met up with T at some event. Dunno, maybe a reunion or something. We basically got back together at whatever this was, shared some passion, and were trying to figure out how we were going to coordinate our jobs, lives and, apparently, going back to school. I have a vague idea that I was going to stop whatever job I had to go to school wherever T was, and there was some discussion of the University of Michigan (don't ask me why). It got weirder and there is some remaining image in my mind of T standing near the top of a building, threatening to jump.
I woke up discombobulated and cranky, and feeling like I'd somehow cheated on DH. Which is silly, because you certainly can't control what you dream about. I didn't know where T came from, until I thought about it some and put it together with my lingering depression. T couldn't deal with something I couldn't change about myself -- only work at trying to control it. When we were together, my depression was still not well managed and he was with me during the horrible experiments with early meds (including Lithium), so frankly I can't blame him much.
Probably all of this was dredged up because of beacoup work stress and a very difficult conversation with DH last week about my weight. It's too hard to really write about because, well, it's just so personal and humiliating and awful. It's safe to say, though, that he has strong feelings about this other elephant in the room, this other hurdle I have yet to overcome. It just figures that I find a partner in life who "gets" the depression, but G-d didn't limit me to just that one flaw, so why not have something else that can annoy other people?
And now I'm forced to go around from day to day, holding back constant tears while I try to box up my sadness and hurt. DH says he loves me, and part of me believes him. But try to live with someone who doesn't find you attractive... and see if you believe that they really love you. It's not his fault. But I can't even look at him the same way. I go back and forth between functioning and feeling paralyzed by pain.
Once again, I'm being rejected because of something that's wrong with me. Something I hate about myself, that I want to hide but can't. Something else I pretend doesn't make me different, or less of a person, than anybody else. Something that brands me as weak, lazy, stupid, broken, wrong. Just wrong.
And I'm exposed, completely ripped open. Because of anything I eat. Or anything I don't. Because of activity, or lack thereof. I feel like every person, every window, every mirror, sees me and into me and judges me and finds me lacking.
This is all very dramatic and probably silly, but I can't make it go away. I can't keep from crying, from losing where I am on the page when I'm reading, from looking only at parts of myself at a time and feeling disgust.
|
posted by: Orange (reply)
post date: 11.27.08 (7:54 pm)
I love you, JT. You're awesome!
posted by: fractalmom (reply)
post date: 11.28.08 (6:49 am)
wow Jt. shit. all i can do is offer the following.
my dh is morbidly obese. i am regular size. he has tried dieting, etc. we have no sex life simply because he is too fat. and it makes him smell. and he doesn't shower as often, because of the weight and his bad foot. it sort of snowballs. he looks normal, and since he is tall (6'5") he can take the extra 120# and carry it off, but, it's still there. Since he is fat, he is tired alot. since he is tired a lot, he doesn't move much. Since he doesn't move much, he gains more weight.
I will love him till eternity. The weight is an issue for sex, but our marriage is much more than sex. Thank G-d. He misses the sex though.
I've seen your pics. I don't think you are a big cow. However, if the weight won't come off that you feel you need to shed, consider one of those gastric bypasses or something like that. Usually, (according to my research), that works. Dieting etc either worked, or didn't. If you still have a weight issue, you probabl always will.
My DH would have it, but he is now also positive for Hep C due to a transfusion in 1981 when he got hurt, and they won't do it until he is cured (48 weeks), if he lives that long.
Good luck. I don't think you are fat. and your boys are absolutely beautiful, and there is much more to a person than their body mass ratio.
Dawn
posted by: flea (reply)
post date: 12.02.08 (11:13 am)
I love you, too.
And I hear you about the weight issue and how it impacts, well, almost everything.
posted by: almsthvn (reply)
post date: 01.04.09 (5:31 pm)
*hugs for JT*
I hope 2009 (damn, 2009!!!) brings you some peace of mind and joy. You be loved, girl!
All these years we've said we're going to get together and dammit, we haven't yet - and more frustrating, the reasons why are still there. Grr.
Wonder if there's somewhere in between we can travel to or something? I'll know more when the recent nonsense at work (The Company is considering Ch 11 and other such happy news) has settled a bit... if the coin lands on the good side, then me and Katie will plan a trip north ... I don't want to think about the other possibilities just now. *shiver* ... no, I said I'm NOT THINKING ABOUT IT... dammit...
posted by: not telling! (reply)
post date: 05.04.09 (9:28 am)
Damn, well, I read this 6 months later but well, later is better than not at all. (sigh)...
I think you excess weight is a symptom not a cause of your depression and its the result of how you feel deep inside under all that verve and vigor and outgoing and entertaining wonderfulness that you keep going ...and I always wonder, how in hell does she keep up all that energy!
If I can give you a word of encouragement, it does not matter that Thanksgiving was 6 months ago, how you feel is still there nagging you under the surface. And yeah, its hard that it affects your relationship with DH.
But if I may recommend? Give yourself something. Go to a synagogue or keep your ears open for the opportunity (it will jump out at you if you look around) and go to a local weekend spiritual renewal retreat for women. I did this when I was much younger and had oh so many deeper emotional and psychological baggage to get rid of.
Go on a spiritual retreat for women where the focus is spirituality and renewal, time to think and share and pray. And then dig and dig deep into what you don't want to face. And talk to those women. It is hard to trust strangers but you know what? It is easier as well, because if there is mutual sharing, #1 you are going to know their secrets too, and #2, you probably won't see them again, #3 you will learn that you are not different and that others share similar pain and #4, you will find empathy, a shoulder to cry on. It really has to do with you allowing yourself to go there and just ignore the uncomfortableness with being transparent. The hard part is overcoming your biases against such cliche sorts of venues. But the truth is that true, real change and relief comes about from those getaways. It is much more effective to talk about how you feel to others in a setting like that than talking to a clinical therapist.
I think that only if you dig into the things that really cause your depression, and I would bet some of it has to do with your self-image due to particular events in your past life... if you do that, you will find a different kind of weight lost. And in time, the other weight will change too, because you will feel different. The weight is not around your middle but on your shoulders....its in your head not your tummy. Hear the wisdom in this. Peace and love to you friend.
And by the way? I have always admired about you what I know you cannot see yourself - you are an extremely loveable and beautiful person and you need to hear that...but even more, you need to know it. And you need to know also that the Almighty one loves you too. We are all vulnerable sweet little Benjamins inside don't you know? And that is what G-d sees in you...and its what I see too.
