I just sent this to one of my newsgroups, and at the risk of getting shut down by bigger entities, I'd love to quote it here. This is Jon Stewart, from a Kevin & Bean Christmas album.

Hi people, this is Jon Stewart. You may know me as that guy who used to have the show, but who's now six months away from doing an infomercial purely for cash because he's a coke whore. Oops!

Um, at the urging of my good pals Kevin and Bean, uh, well, maybe not urging; some would say blackmail but I swear to God dressed up, he really did look like a girl. I mean, you know, in a kind of, anyway.

I was supposed to come up with a recipe for their Christmas tape, "How the Jews Stole Christmas," but I gotta be honest with ya, the Jews didn't steal Christmas, alright? When are you gonna get over this savior-killing thing? I had nothing to do with it! I was with my brother the whole day. Ask around. Actually, I was in my driveway, practicing my golf swing. Alright? So I didn't kill your savior. That's not my bloody yarmulke you found. Not at all.

Alright, now here's your holiday recipe, friends. It goes like this. Take a country filled mainly with Christians, throw in a couple of Jews that live in New York like me, add a bottle of Scotch, and maybe a dash of bitterness, and whaddaya get? A shitty Christmas, Ladies and Gentlemen, that's right. Jews. Hate. Christmas. You wanna know why? Because the rest of you people aren't Jews. While you're out there celebrating the festive birth of your savior, we're running around like assholes because the oil lasted longer than we thought it would. That's right, that's what Chanukah is. A holiday about a bargain. We celebrating a bargain, for eight fucking days. Pathetic, really.

I tell you, people often ask me: "Jon, what do Jews do for Christmas?"And the answer is, of course, we sleep late. Not a whole lot going on for us that day. Or we work at 24-hour convenience stores because you people wanted the day off. And if I may on the subject make a quick point, could you maybe change some of the holiday programming you guys throw in there? How many months of the same show do we have to see? It always ends like this: "I don't think there's gonna be a Christmas. But, wait!" Gets a little redundant. How many times can I hear a guy standing in front of his family going "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

All I'm saying is, people, let's heal the wounds of this country. Christian, Jew, Black, Asian, even those funny, smelly people that drive the things. What we need to do is get together, and that's my recipe this year. Come to my house. Bagel brunch. You bring the Manischevitz, I'll bring the dope.