Dear Browser Hijack Fuckers,

Cut it out. Really. You're ruining it for the rest of us. I don't need your online casino, your Sponsored Links, your free Viagra, or your horny virgin cheerleaders. I don't want to see my neighbor's wife's bush, or even her boxwood. I don't need cheap Vicodin, or access to a Nigerian bank account. I absolutely don't want you changing my browser search engine to DRSN. Greenstreet Interactive, you can go fuck yourselves too.

Do I sound bitter? Maybe. I've given you the best years of my life. You've taken my eyesight, my energy, and so very much of my time, which could have been better spent working on my cure for cancer. (Or, at the very least, cleaning the kitchen and organizing the last five year's worth of snapshots.)

I especially don't need you fucking with me at work, where I legitimately need to get things done. Please stop screwing up when I'm testing our web site replatform, because I never know if there's a bug or it's your fucking spyware. Hijack This, CWS Shredder, Ad-Aware... I've downloaded these and more, and while you may temporarily disappear, you come back to stalk me like that creep Jeff used to.

Know what I did to Jeff? Well, nothing. I changed my phone number; that was pretty much it. But I'm getting really angry with you, browserspywarehijackingmo therfuckers, so don't push me. I'm a working mom on the edge. I've got a nail file and a sippy cup, and I'm not afraid to use them.

So do all of us grownups a favor, and stop screwing around on that laptop you covered with Blink-182 and snowboarding sticker s. You're not cool. You're like 14, a virgin, and you can't spell. Get back to class and grow up.